Red Wedding Gown

we slept through the church bells   and i thought of ezan we woke up late he prepared breakfast the coffee was with milk although I prefer Americano recently i wanted to work and ironed instead the cat wanted to play so did we and we walked to the old books’ bazaar bought a book on Etruschi convinced that they were Turkish at some point  a book of Tanpinar I did not read the preface which called Kemalism soulless cause I did not like the idea and so I started reading directly the book i bought as a present and am using it myself   my cat came to the room he looked around he looks like a lion, hamster, rabbit and bear at the same time sometimes i hold him like a baby a baby that i never had   then i cry  thinking all the babies i could have and my mediocre articles written in english i had a mediocre life for sure and the only thing i rely on is my watercolour tutorials hence, i think from time to time I should have been cleverer and stronger never possible ever but always there is colo

Today I colored my hair unsuccessfully My make up skills are getting better No, not yet, I have not become a mother. I have been unemployed for the last three months My job search skills are not getting any better If I have a good job or not, does it really matter? Today my hormones are making me confused I am cold and hungry and tired Who said that with age it would get better? Maybe it is a list of to-do(s) that I gather I gather from my experience One becomes wiser and less trustful We start with all confidence and then we are fooled Then we smile and think about vendetta Watching Padrino and Kill Bill Anger fills and eats us like a worm Then all is calm like the 4.30 in the evening We stand still and we think In the middle of life, politics and individual affairs Would it be possible to be tougher?

alienation that is what happens to all of us at some point we understand it when our ankles hurt or our heads are heavy when we know we dont belong and we dont want to indeed alienation that is what happens to all of us when things are unjust we understand that our hearts hurt or our heads are full of conspiracy then we know we dont belong and we dont want to belong indeed alienation that is what happens when you understand all but you cannot answer our hearts are wary and our heads are full of knowledge just dont know what to do with it then we know we dont belong and we dont want to belong indeed just to sail away if it was possible if it was possible to go away to the place where we belong it might be the womb of our mothers or our mother tongue or a poem that we heard somewhere and we forgot what it was liberation freedom independence all was a lie you made us believe we were slaves still in fact then came alienation when we know we dont belong

Belval there is such a wind there is such an orange on the trees the trees are shaking no people on the street the church bells ringing the cross hanging my head is full of ideas and writing soon it will be colder and even more windier I'll fly on the pavement towards my office when I arrive and look at this post industrial hill top I just think of history is what makes us see then the green turns into Arizona what we do to nature to advance and run fast to produce guns and germs then we need to cure them then need to produce more there is such a wind there is such an orange on the trees they hang on to life and so do I sah

Here we go again We are settling here in Luxembourg In an old industrial place called Belval and Esch Zur Alzette I hear French and I look stupid Here is the chimney Here is the residence Here is the university Here is the bank Here are the friends and colleagues I am settling again This does not mean I am settling for long for who knows when I settle if I stay there I am a Roma and a Nomad and a Turk So it seems when my mom said the world is large and so she should live she meant that I would migrate from place to place no excitement for me no bungee jumping no skydiving no kitesurfing just some traveling and researching that is all I do in fact, it is true that I feel a little bit like a stranger everywhere and I hear a girl screaming upstairs then I watch the videos of the police taking away the protestors in Turkey I watch with eyes that are full of tears but then I go and take a coffee away from fight, hurdle, and ideology what do I do when things happ

When it's dark it is utter dark When it's light it is shiny and warm When it's down death is near When it's up revival comes Never far from a cry Never far from a smile With that there was stability Clarity of the inside Streetlights outside Vivid lives in Istanbul Dullness in Kayseri evenings Fears, drunkenness Not being able to look into one's eyes Rebelliousness, jealousy, passion Loss, depression, happiness Overwhelming is this life Overburdening all these emotions Yet some are powerful in the battlefield Some cannot swim in still water Some can only handle the waves Some always get bored in calm waters Like a fish not knowing the ocean I have been drowning in a spoonful of water. 19 October 2014 - Brighton