Red Wedding Gown

  I would like to go to Paris Would like to go to Ny Would like to go around the world And I would like to see my parents healthy My children growing The trees with fruits My hair not whitening The reverse youth-time is here No way to counter it Now is time for Rachmaninov And now is time for Bohemian rhapsody The second part of your life Is full of wisdom and analysis   As well as sorrows and distance   They cut the trees in our garden last march Used to be green embracing all the birds with shadows all around And in the morning, all I look at with my cat Is drying grass …

we slept through the church bells   and i thought of ezan we woke up late he prepared breakfast the coffee was with milk although I prefer Americano recently i wanted to work and ironed instead the cat wanted to play so did we and we walked to the old books’ bazaar bought a book on Etruschi convinced that they were Turkish at some point  a book of Tanpinar I did not read the preface which called Kemalism soulless cause I did not like the idea and so I started reading directly the book i bought as a present and am using it myself   my cat came to the room he looked around he looks like a lion, hamster, rabbit and bear at the same time sometimes i hold him like a baby a baby that i never had   then i cry  thinking all the babies i could have and my mediocre articles written in english i had a mediocre life for sure and the only thing i rely on is my watercolour tutorials hence, i think from time to time I should have been cleverer and stronger never possible ever but always there is colo

they try to break you inside  they think you will turn into stone  you are not made of stone nor plastic  you are made of gold inside the heart that pumps blood into you  your arms and legs that never fail you  then one day you are tired  they think you are gone  they try to break you inside  do not let them in  protect yourself against... the closer the danger gets  the further they are  they try to break you inside by naming shaming and failing you  just because you tell your mind they just say they are not gonna take you  don't break inside as you have gold  that pumps blood inside out and even when they bleed you  your blood manifests and roars you sing your song  they cannot break me inside  cause I am made of gold  the heart that pumps blood into me  will decide to fail me or not  not you

have been to the parks and libraries have also seen atrocities have run after the prey which was an echo of empty words I heard it in the distance  ran towards endlessly  thinking and hoping acting almost carelessly  then came mindfulness and permanent make up  apple facebook and whatsup and societal appreciation on social media  it was weird yet confusing  so I kept on refusing  that I did not do it for fame  and in fact, I was in their frame  when I bought that dress online  knew that this was not going to be the only one  it seems we are all rejected from earth  some die and some kill and some just live like a bird  and it overwhelmed me to think about it  I arrived at nowhere sailing my boat  so I took an oath  to find a solution  yet not there  and one is to wait for  the other is to scare and the other is hit and run  another is try try try till you die  I chose the last one and am trying  jumping without

Son zamanlarda dinlemelere doyamadım.  Gerçekten de harika bir şiir. Diğer şiirlerini de okumak istiyorum. Ayrıca farklı çevirilerini de okumakta fayda var. Karşınızda Ezgi'nin günlüğü ve Konstantin Simonov...  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGUGfqwRjJU Konstantin Simonov Bekle beni Bekle beni, döneceğim ben. Çok çok bıkmadan bekle! Sarı yağmurların Hüznü basınca, Kar kasıp kavururken, Kızgın sıcaklarda..bekle. Başkaları dünden unutulmuşken. Beklenmedikleri zaman bekle. Uzak yerlerden mektuplar kesilince Bekle beni. Birlikte bekleyenlerin beklemekten Usandığına bakma, bekle. Bekle beni döneceğim. Unutmak zamanı geldiğini Ezbere bilenleri Hayırla anma! Varsın oğlum,annem Hayatta olmadığıma inansın, Dostlarım beklemekten usansın, Ocak başında toplanıp Acı şarapla Yadetsinler beni Sen bekle onlarla birlikte İçmekte acele etme. Bekle beni; döneceğim, Bütün ölümleri çatlatmak için Döneceğim! “şansın varmış desinler “. Beklenmedikleri için, Beni

yesterday I cried for my mom  I wanted her to come but she did not come  we ate mercimek çorbası and discussed Turkey for a while  then I thought about painting my mother  but it was only to suffer  had three glasses of wine  when I had my fourth glass  I fell apart and was drowning in my own tears I cried cause I have not known what I have become in these years  as he consoled me  it was not enough to hold and caress me  I thought about death and there was a dark feeling inside  as if a spirit was inside me  this spirit gave me fear  and without knowing what it was  all of a sudden disappears but I had asked him to hold my hand  and he was sleeping  felt alone but no remedies life had hit us hard  ten years without my mom  I thought it would feel better as time goes by  in fact, I feel it deeper and deeper in my heart  and in the depths of my soul  it is not anymore  her or image of her  it is this great emptiness  th

Today I colored my hair unsuccessfully My make up skills are getting better No, not yet, I have not become a mother. I have been unemployed for the last three months My job search skills are not getting any better If I have a good job or not, does it really matter? Today my hormones are making me confused I am cold and hungry and tired Who said that with age it would get better? Maybe it is a list of to-do(s) that I gather I gather from my experience One becomes wiser and less trustful We start with all confidence and then we are fooled Then we smile and think about vendetta Watching Padrino and Kill Bill Anger fills and eats us like a worm Then all is calm like the 4.30 in the evening We stand still and we think In the middle of life, politics and individual affairs Would it be possible to be tougher?

alienation that is what happens to all of us at some point we understand it when our ankles hurt or our heads are heavy when we know we dont belong and we dont want to indeed alienation that is what happens to all of us when things are unjust we understand that our hearts hurt or our heads are full of conspiracy then we know we dont belong and we dont want to belong indeed alienation that is what happens when you understand all but you cannot answer our hearts are wary and our heads are full of knowledge just dont know what to do with it then we know we dont belong and we dont want to belong indeed just to sail away if it was possible if it was possible to go away to the place where we belong it might be the womb of our mothers or our mother tongue or a poem that we heard somewhere and we forgot what it was liberation freedom independence all was a lie you made us believe we were slaves still in fact then came alienation when we know we dont belong

Belval there is such a wind there is such an orange on the trees the trees are shaking no people on the street the church bells ringing the cross hanging my head is full of ideas and writing soon it will be colder and even more windier I'll fly on the pavement towards my office when I arrive and look at this post industrial hill top I just think of history is what makes us see then the green turns into Arizona what we do to nature to advance and run fast to produce guns and germs then we need to cure them then need to produce more there is such a wind there is such an orange on the trees they hang on to life and so do I sah

When it's dark it is utter dark When it's light it is shiny and warm When it's down death is near When it's up revival comes Never far from a cry Never far from a smile With that there was stability Clarity of the inside Streetlights outside Vivid lives in Istanbul Dullness in Kayseri evenings Fears, drunkenness Not being able to look into one's eyes Rebelliousness, jealousy, passion Loss, depression, happiness Overwhelming is this life Overburdening all these emotions Yet some are powerful in the battlefield Some cannot swim in still water Some can only handle the waves Some always get bored in calm waters Like a fish not knowing the ocean I have been drowning in a spoonful of water. 19 October 2014 - Brighton